4:27 AM

It's 4:27 AM. I'm sitting here awake with a stomach virus, nursing a flat ginger ale and wondering why it feels like there's a boulder in my stomach. I was asleep a while ago, but at 4:15 Will was up making use of the bucket I put next to his bed. I can't sleep through that, though I think he almost could. (He's such a trooper when it comes to this stuff.) I was awake at around 2:30, too, because my husband, whose servant's heart is unsurpassed in the known universe, is snoring like he has something to prove. I suspect he's going to have a rough day tomorrow (today), so I let him continue and moved to the couch.

This is stomach virus #2 for us this winter, for those of you keeping score at home. I think there ought to be a limit on them: one per family per season, like with really great coupons or jury duty. I would have been more than willing to fill out an exemption request, citing our week-long dance with influenza in December. But here we are.

I've been thinking about this blog this past week, wanting to post but not having a ton to say. I haven't made a lot of progress on the list lately. At least not in a manner where I can cross things off. The fact is, though, I've been working hard at item #1: losing the rest of this weight.

Weight Watchers has been a real experience this time around. It's consuming a lot of my time and energy as I A) re-learn the system and B) accustom myself again to having to write down everything that goes in my mouth. And while A may be the thing that enables me to maintain this progress for a lifetime, B is what I really needed right now. It forces me to ask WHY I'm eating what I'm eating. And every day there are a good 6 or 7 of my 29 points that I didn't really mean to eat...things I just popped in my mouth because they were there or that I went looking for because I was feeling ________________. (Stressed, bored, sad, happy, angry, you name it.) That's what I really want to do away with. I want to know that I can choose to walk away from the stupid leftover french fries or granola bars if I want to. (Ugh. The rock in my stomach just shifted.)

Almost a year ago I went to talk to my pastor because I was concerned that I might be flirting around the edges of an eating disorder. He asked some great questions, prayed with me, and gave me some really intense articles on the subject. One of them asked this question on behalf of its readers: "Am I eating this BEFORE God's face or IN His face?" I've managed to avoid falling into classifiably destructive behavior in this area, by God's grace. But that question has followed me around since then. In a good way.

It feels like it shouldn't be this hard. I'm really hoping someday I'll get to a point where I'll be able to spend less time and energy thinking about food.

Boy, I'm really rambling. Dangerous to write in the middle of the night when I'm sick and sleep-deprived. I'd better stop before I lay out all my junk in its totality and scare you all away. :)

I'm not posting those recipes from Will's party right now, because thinking too hard about cooking would be a bad idea at the moment. But maybe I can take some steps today toward something else on the list. Maybe it's time to register for the 10K or read a chapter of Systematic Theology. I don't think I'll be climbing a tree. It would be nice to turn my attention to something other than food for a minute.

At least until this stone in my gut rolls away.

Sweet dreams, everyone.